


To Write a Good Ending

by Crazyheart



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Compliant, Demisexual Sara, Evakteket Birthday Challenge, Evakteket Challenge, F/F, Girl POV, Happy Ending, Kisses, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Unresolved Sexual Tension, more than kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-03-30 03:19:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13941474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/Crazyheart
Summary: This story starts the summer before Sara starts at Nissen. Sara is ambitious, but struggles to feel like everybody else. This is a 5+1. Five times Sara kisses someone for the wrong reason, or one time she kisses for the right, or five times Sara is a part of someone else’s story ending, and one time she writes her own ending.I know this character isn’t very popular. If I get more than 20 kudos for this fic, I’ll paint some smutty wlw fanart for it, hahahaha. No, that’s a joke. Just give kudos if you actually like it. I will paint that thing anyway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternating perspective has always played an important role in Skam and I’ve been so inspired by how they used it to show how things could be turned on the head with a change of perspective. With that in mind, writing in Sara’s perspective, could be really interesting. 
> 
> Sara has fascinated me for a long time, since her character always was there in the background. She did some really bitchy things in the show and I have always wondered about her motives. 
> 
> That’s why I have thought about writing this fic for a long time. When I got the prompts 5+1, Girl POV and dark fic for the Evakteket Birthday challenge, it felt just right. That is, I soon realized that I didn’t have it in me to write a darkfic about this, so I changed that prompt to Bed sharing. 
> 
> I have tried to write one of the characters as demi sexual. Since I don’t know how it is first hand, I suspect that I might have gotten it wrong. If you react to it, please let me know so I can change it!
> 
> Anyway. This has been really interesting to write. Happy Birthday, Evakteket! It's so good of you to arrange this! I've had a lot of fun.
> 
> Thank you so much @twoenns for beta reading this! You've been amazing! 
> 
> Oh, and thank you Sarah, for loaning me Your quote, if you read this, you know what I refer to.
> 
> So, guys, I hope you like this, and please let me know if you do or if you don't!

_“All Bette’s stories have happy endings. That’s because she knows where to stop. She’s realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.”_

_― Neil Gaiman, Preludes & Nocturnes _

 

 

 

##  **1\. Eva** **(July 12th 2015** )

The music was loud and deafening. Sara was a little tipsy, thanks to the fact that Eva had brought wine and Ingrid had stolen some booze from her parents. The buzz was nice, and made everything a little blurry around the edges. Sara was surrounded by some drunk teenagers moving scandalously to the rhythm of the stereo and others shouting to each other trying to be heard. Her house reeked of alcohol, pot, and sweat. To say this wasn’t her favorite scene would be an understatement.

Sara didn’t _hate_ parties, but she basically just partied whenever she felt like going out and having fun… but not too much fun. She also didn't date much because she honestly didn't see the point in complicating her life with a boyfriend. Apart from that recent short lived thing with Isak, she'd never had a serious relationship.

She hoped that the reason she wasn't all that interested in one was because she'd just never met the right guy. Deep down she feared that something was wrong though, because she never was really attracted to _anyone_. Not boys, and not girls either. She got asked out often enough, but no one triggered the desire in her to get all serious and committed.

It was her 16th birthday, though. And Ingrid had basically begged on her knees to throw a party. So how could she refuse Ingrid? _Her Ingrid._ The Ingrid she had known since they were small brats running around their houses as their parents sat around drinking coffee. Sara was the tough one, the one that came up with all the ideas. Ingrid was the one who was truly brave, always saying how she felt about everything.

They used to hang together every day at school, and every Sunday they would spend together gossiping, giving each other makeup, or cuddling and watching movies. Well, of course that was different now that Ingrid was with Jonas, but they were still close.

So of course, Sara threw a party, even though it wasn’t that much fun, and of course Ingrid wasn’t going to miss her birthday.

– Saaaara!

 _And there she is_.

Ingrid came from behind and lovingly wrapped her arms around Sara, aiming to give Sara a hug but instead her nose and lips landed on Sara’s neck. Sara gasped at the sensation of her warm breath and swiftly turned around to face the pouty but beautiful drunk girl before her.

– Ingrid, Sara said cautiously. She always felt like she had to take care of Ingrid when she got drunk.

– Sara, babe. I swear I’m not drunk yet, Ingrid said and smirked.

Sara stared at her suspiciously. So, if Ingrid wasn’t drunk, how did it explain the hug/neck breathing thing? Ingrid and Sara were very close, but they had never been… intimate. They never kissed each other, and they certainly never dove into each other’s necks. Maybe Ingrid was just happy and got overexcited. _Sure_. Yeah that totally had to be it.

Sara’s heart beat faster though, like she had been running, and she could still feel a ghost of the touch on her neck. She didn’t really get why.

– You need a birthday drink, Ingrid said now. – With me. Sara, please have a birthday drink with me?

Ingrid smiled a begging smile. Sometimes she had this indescribable look in her eyes, too, just like right now. How could Sara say no?

– Fine, Sara smiled.

They ended up having several drinks in the kitchen, talking and laughing about everything and nothing. Then they moved to a couch in the living room. Ingrid complained a lot about Jonas. Ingrid said she loved him, but that everything had become dull between them. She didn’t know if she was _in love_ with him, anymore, she said. And Sara tried to control her tiny hope that Ingrid would finally end this relationship with Jonas. This back and forth between them only seemed tiring.  

Hours later in the night, Sara was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol coursing through her veins. She was sitting on the couch next to Ingrid watching the party rage on wildly. Sara was content just holding Ingrid though, breathing in her tantalizing scents. Sara was more than tipsy, and she had to admit that she had become a little cuddly. She had her neck nuzzled into the crook of Ingrid’s neck while simultaneously playing with her dark curls.

Someone might not call that friendly, but they were good friends.

– Hey, Sara, Ingrid said. Her words came out in almost a whisper.

– Yeah Ingrid?

Ingrid’s eyes were glazed over from the alcohol but her smile still was bright. – Did you like your birthday gift?

Sara felt like she was melting… Ingrid knew her so well. She had bought her something that nobody else would have thought of. She had bought her a book about writing. Ingrid was the only person who knew a hint of how much Sara liked to write stories.

– Yeah I did, Sara said. – I loved it.

Sara _loved_ to write. She loved to tell good, believable lies.

She wasn’t a stereotypical writer, though. She was never really a bookworm, for instance. She did love to read, but she was too busy living to keep her nose in a book all day. Also, Sara knew she was smart, but she didn't flaunt it. Life was easier if people thought that she was just ordinary in the brain department. That she was a regular partying teenager.

Some intelligent outbursts slipped out sometimes, of course. Like when she talked with Isak. He wasn't stupid either, and he had this lovely sarcasm, and it was just too tempting to tell him exactly what she thought.

She couldn’t tell everyone what she thought. Not if she wanted to keep what she had. She liked to lead her group of friends, because it made her feel safe. That was the main reason she wanted to become russe bus boss. She knew she was quite ruthless in many ways, too; she did what she had to do to get what she wanted, and sometimes that meant that she had to keep things to herself. Almost nobody knew that she liked to write. She had let her guard down with Isak, though, and with Ingrid. It still felt kind of special that Ingrid had caught on to how important the writing was to her.

– It was cool, Ingrid, she said, and looked into her eyes. – You didn’t have  to buy me anything, though. I just… love to spend time with you.

The admission made her face heat up as they stared into each other’s eyes. Sara felt like she was desperately searching for something, but she didn’t know what. She was confused. This whole night was confusing her and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

– I love spending time with you, too, Ingrid said. Her cheeks were blushing and her eyes were  sparkling.

There it was. That indescribable look again. Sara’s heart was furiously beating out of her chest. She felt her hands getting sweaty from her nerves. The alcohol was making her head spin in the best way possible. All she wanted to do was to lean over and press her lips on her best friend’s. The thought startled, bewildered, enthralled her at the same time. She had never really felt like this before.

But then Ingrid stood up. There was something dark in her eyes. – I… uh.. gotta see Jonas, she muttered.

 _And sure, fine_. Of course she did. Sara sat back, trying not to show any emotion. She had felt so alright. Everything was good, even that head spin… But then Ingrid had to ruin it all like this. Sara didn’t know why, but she didn’t like it at all.

She was just trying not to notice how Jonas and Ingrid danced and kissed on the dancefloor (when did they get so friendly again? Weren’t they struggling?), when Eva plopped down beside her in the sofa, her chestnut hair flying around her head.

– Sara! Eva slurred, and gave Sara a wobbly hug. – You’re so cool, Sara. And Ingrid, too. Jonas loves her so much, right? They argue sometimes, but… he must love her a lot.

– Sure, Sara nodded, eyeing the couple at the other end of the room. He probably did. Sara still didn’t like to think about it.

Eva sighed, as she clung to Sara’s arm and stared at Ingrid and Jonas kissing.. – It’s not fair, she muttered. – They get to kiss all the time. I wanna kiss someone too... Do you wanna kiss, Sara?

Sara hesitantly looked at Eva. Eva was drunk, obviously. Very drunk. Sara wasn’t really attracted to Eva. But the thought of kissing her was still kind of tempting. It was tempting, not because of attraction, but because she would show everybody that she could. Show _Ingrid_. Ingrid and Eva had kissed more than once, just for fun. And Jonas never seemed to mind. But Ingrid had never kissed Sara. Why not?

Sara often felt jealous of Eva. Back in 7th grade at Grefsen, when her parents got divorced and everything got fucked up, Ingrid had been the only one she could rely on. However, at the same time, Eva moved here from Bergen, and basically took Ingrid away from her.

They had still hung out together, all three of them, but it never felt like the same as before. It had felt like Sara had lost something. It had felt like more than just losing a friend, actually. It felt like her heart broke. Of course, it had  probably just been some stupid girl crush. But it still hurt.

Sara had never really quite felt an attraction to anyone, so of course she had never thought she could be attracted to girls, either. Sure, she looked at both boys and girls, especially if they were good looking, but it wasn’t _attraction_.

Ingrid was very pretty, though, and so kind. Sara wanted to be close to her. She had convinced herself that the feelings she had when she was around Ingrid were quite natural. In fact, she had read stuff online that said that most women had similar feelings to a greater or lesser degree. Still she had never discussed girls’ relationships with anyone and really had no basis of comparison.

Sara only knew that she wouldn’t mind kissing Ingrid. But it was wrong, of course. Ingrid was with Jonas.

It wasn’t like Sara hadn’t kissed before. Last year, in 9th grade at Grefsen, she was together with Isak, but that was mostly because Ingrid was on and off together with Jonas, and it was boring to be the third wheel. They broke up after just a few weeks.

She had never kissed a girl, though.

Sara looked at Eva, and the swirls of emotion she saw there made her swallow. Eva looked dazed, slightly annoyed and horny. However, before Sara could ponder about it further, Eva yanked her in and covered Sara’s mouth with hers in a hungry kiss. As their lips crushed together, Sara felt dizzy. She didn’t feel anything for Eva, not really, but it was kind of nice to kiss a girl. Eva’s mouth was so warm, the caress of her lips softer than she could have imagined and she opened her mouth with a low moan. She liked it, about as much as she had liked kissing Isak. It didn’t do anything for her, but she thought she could like kissing someone like this sometime, and that was a revelation.

She opened her eyes and spotted Ingrid and Jonas kissing in the other part of the room. The sight of Ingrid and her deep kiss, made something swirl in Sara’s stomach. She still kept moving her lips against Eva’s. The weird part was that Sara couldn't take her eyes off Ingrid, and the sight of her kissing Jonas made a tingling feeling rush through her. She felt like a creep, watching Ingrid as she kept kissing Eva, but she couldn't stop.

Then Ingrid opened her eyes, and looked straight at her. She stared at Sara intensely as she kept kissing Jonas. It felt like Ingrid stared straight into her.

 _Fuck_. Warmth rushed through Sara like a wave, and she couldn't look away. She totally forgot Eva as she stared into Ingrid’s dark eyes. The heat gathered between her legs. Fuck, she really was a creep.

Finally Sara managed to shut her eyes and pull away from Eva. – I… uh… I should go. I really shouldn’t be kissing you.

Eva sighed then. – Yeah, I shouldn’t either, she muttered, as she looked away. – I wanna kiss Jonas, you see. I know I shouldn’t, but I just want to. He’s so cute. And hot. And I just wanna kiss him so bad...

Eva suddenly clutched her mouth with both hands and stared at Sara, like she just realized what she was saying. – I mean… I just...

Sara stared at her. _Fuck_. Eva walzed around and seemed so innocent and fun and so much like a free spirit, when she in fact was pining for Ingrid’s boyfriend. What a backstabbing bitch.

Eva looked pleading. – Sara, you can’t tell anyone, she said. – I won’t do anything… I just… It’s just difficult, sometimes.

– I won’t tell anyone, Sara lied. Because, if she got the chance, she would most definitely tell someone. – Have you uh… felt like this for a long time?

Eva groaned. – Since before they got together, really. I’m so bad, Sara. I just can’t help it. Jonas is so cute. And it doesn’t help that I know that they are struggling.

Sara knew she should be understanding, and supportive, and helpful. She just couldn’t. She stood up. – You know what, Eva? she sighed. – Why don’t you go for it, then? Why don’t you just kiss him? Maybe we can finally get an end to this back and forth drama!

She left Eva there in the sofa, and went to her own room. She sat down on the bed, not even bothering to turn the light on. She needed air, and some time to herself. Sometimes she just needed to breathe. She was usually social with her friends, but could get anxious and overwhelmed at times, and she liked to be in control.

Now she had no control at all.

She picked up the graphic novel that was on her desk. She had borrowed the book from Isak once and never returned it. She could still recall the enthusiasm in his eyes when he talked about his comic books, talking about it being art more than anything else.

He was kind of right. There was a reason she never returned the book. The stories in that graphic novel were amazing. Grotesque. Funny. Even beautiful at times. She loved them. She wished she could write like that.

“ _She’s realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death”._ Sara closed the graphic novel, feeling that the words gripped her so hard that her heart clenched. She loved to write, but the difficult part with writing, was the endings. She could often be annoyed at badly written endings herself, but if she was honest with herself, she struggled to write them, too.

She wasn’t really used to happy endings in her own life, after all. She was used to stuff like the ugly divorce, losing her best friend, and never finding someone special. Would her ending just be... _what_ ? Death? _Fuck_ , it was no use tormenting herself like this. She sighed, and decided to go back to the party.

On the way down the stairs, she was stopped by Eva, who seemed excited and scared, all at the same time. – Fy faen, Sara, I did it! Eva whispered, pale in her face and with wide eyes. – I kissed Jonas!

And, _of course_ , she did. Sara felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. Ingrid would be _devastated_. Because, of course, she would figure this out. And if she didn’t, Sara would make sure she did. And Ingrid would break up with Jonas, and Jonas and Eva would have their fucking happy ending.

But if Sara got what she wanted, at least Eva would not bother Ingrid anymore.

– Fuck, Eva, Sara said, and this time she didn’t hide her disgust. – How could you? What kind of a friend are you?

– I know, Eva moaned. – I know, it just happened…

Sara shook her head. – Things like that never just happen, Eva. I would _never_ do anything like that.

Eva looked at her then, and for a moment she didn’t look drunk at all. – Are you sure about that?

Sara didn’t answer. _Of course I am_ , she told herself. And in the next moment she knew it was a lie. She still left Eva there, and went to find Ingrid. Ingrid didn’t know anything yet, but sooner or later, she would need Sara.

 _Wasn’t it typical?_ raged in her mind. Eva and Jonas would have their weird little happy ending, and Sara was left to pick up the pieces. The worst part was, that the ending wasn’t even _good_. It was like a badly written story where the writer didn’t realize the gravity of the choices she had her characters make.

Why was it always like this? Mostly, Sara felt like everything happened to the people around her, and not her. Even if she did what she could to lead (and she did it well), it still felt like that. It was like when she wrote a story, and didn’t find her own voice. Sometimes when she wrote, she sounded like someone else, and she hated that. Only this was more like, she _had_ a voice, but it didn’t matter.

It was like she was a sidekick in her own life. No, like a sidekick in _someone else’s_ life. And this time, it was Eva’s life.

##  **2\. William (Oct 30th 2015)**

Sara was dancing. Everybody was dancing. It was Halloween and she was at Iben’s house, dressed as Minnie Mouse. She knew she was cute as fuck and she was determined to kiss the hottest guy at school. Well, one of the hottest guys. She had chosen William, because he was tall, dark, a third year, and a well-known fuckboy. He was a popular guy, and just the right one to kiss. Also, Sara knew that Vilde liked him (and Vilde still bugged her, even though Sara had managed to kick her out of the bus). Also, Sara wanted to show Ingrid that she had just as much game as her (because when Ingrid could kiss Chris, Sara sure as hell could kiss someone, too).

So Sara danced close to William, and tried to ignore the cat version of Vilde, dancing close to them and looking at William with begging eyes.

Sara had become good at ignoring Vilde and her friends these first months at Nissen, although it wasn’t easy. She had started the school year being curious about everything, if not hopeful. Ingrid had still been enraged about Jonas and Eva, as she was complaining about the photos Eva posted from their cabin trip on Insta. Jonas and Eva were an irritatingly cute couple, Sara could admit that. And Isak hung around them like a pet. Lately they seemed to be going back and forth a little, though. And Eva hung more with her new strange friends than Jonas.

Sara had to admit that she hadn’t expected Eva to find new friends so fast. Then again, Eva had ended up with a strange crew, the airhead Vilde, Chris, this muslim girl Sana and that bitchy Noora.

Not that Sara cared. She kind of envied the way they seemed tight. Sana had thrown water on her, just for calling Vilde a slut, and Noora seemed kind of protective, too. And Sara knew that Chris was there for Vilde no matter what. Eva looked very at ease with them all. It was annoying.

There was no point thinking about them, of course. These first months at Nissen, Sara had dived into the task of making a russe bus group, and with Vilde out of the picture, everything was great. Sara didn’t know why Vilde bugged her so much. The girl was a little naive, and it was obvious that she tried to be better than she was, but… Well, maybe that was it. Sara recognized some of that drive in Vilde. The wish to be perfect. She knew she had it, too. She just hated to see it in others.

And Ingrid… Ingrid kinda liked Vilde. Sara knew it was petty of her, but she couldn’t stand the thought of it. Even Iben was better than Vilde. Ingrid had somehow become friends with Iben from second year, and it was _fine_ , although Sara didn’t exactly love it. Iben was so annoyingly… gullible. Just the fact that she dated the biggest fuckboy at school and trusted him proved that.

Sara knew she shouldn’t bother, but she still meddled, as she sort of encouraged Ingrid to hook up with Chris, Iben’s boyfriend. She had said that kissing Chris would be a good thing for their bus. She had also kind of dared Ingrid to kiss Chris, “to get over Jonas”.

Why did she do that?

Well, obviously, she did it to fuck things up between Ingrid and Iben, but… _why?_ Sara felt like she was in a downward spiral of bad choices. She just didn’t know how to stop it.

The fact that Ingrid had listened to her, and then actually went and did it, still bugged Sara. She never thought Ingrid would.

Well, fuck it. Sara was going to kiss William, so who cared.

Sara didn’t plan to kiss William for love, of course. If Sara was completely honest with herself, she hated the thought of being in love. Even the stupid girl crush she had on Ingrid, was just… horrible, and it took over her life and made her vulnerable. Love opened her chest and her heart and it meant that someone could get inside and mess her up.

Sara wanted to stay in control of her heart, so she built up defenses, so nothing could hurt her. Still, Ingrid had to just be there, all the time, no matter what. And Ingrid smiled her beautiful smile, talked about silly things and just was there, and made Sara feel safe, and at home, and one day Sara knew she had lost her control. She was attracted to Ingrid, but Ingrid also made her feel so safe, and Sara wanted to give Ingrid the world.

Love got inside her and broke her and left her crying in the dark. Love broke her with words like “you’re my best friend” and “I think I still love him”, and it hurt. It ripped her apart. Sara hated love.

So when she chose to kiss William tonight, she did it for other reasons.

Sara’s thoughts were interrupted when she saw Eva and Ingrid yelling at each other. Eva left in anger. Sara grabbed Ingrid’s arm as she was about to pass her. – Hey, what was that about?

Ingrid scoffed. She looked annoyed. – Why do you care?

Sara frowned. – What? Of course I care, Ingrid, what’s up?

– Eva is just a bitch, Ingrid groaned. – She accused me of having secrets with Jonas. Well, of being with him last Friday. The nerve!

Sara had to lean closer to hear her through the music. – Well you kinda do have secrets with him, don’t you?

– It’s just Jonas buying weed from my brother, Ingrid muttered. – You know that.

Sara nodded. She looked for Eva, but she seemed to have disappeared. – So what did you tell her?

Ingrid smiled a little then. It was an devious smile. – I told her that Jonas and I had been together.

– Fuck.

– Yeah. It serves her right, though.

– Yeah, I suppose, Sara said. – So… I take it you’re not really over Jonas yet, then?

Ingrid looked at her. – What? Of course I’m over him! I just hate it when Eva is bitchy like this and assumes stuff like that!

– Okay.

They stared at each other for a moment. Ingrid still looked a little annoyed, but not as much as before. – So… do you have a crush on William, or? she asked.

– Nah, of course not, Sara said, shrugging. – I’m just having fun. I’m planning to kiss him, though.

– Okay, Ingrid said. There was still something in her eyes, something that looked almost like… hurt. Maybe she was hurt that Sara didn’t come to her first with things anymore. There _was_ a new distance between them.

Sara sighed. She had to admit, she had done a lot of stupid shit lately. She didn’t have to be a genius to know that it was mostly to protect herself somehow. Simply put, she didn’t want to get hurt, so she ended up hurting others instead. It wasn’t a calculated decision, of course, well, mostly not. She just ended up hurting people all the time, because she was this kind of person who knew what she wanted and how to get it. She had a talent for it, really, and people were so fragile. It was easy to break them, just like it was easy to break hearts and promises.

Well, maybe it was a little calculated sometimes. She _had_ wanted to hurt Eva, because of what she did to Ingrid. And she _had_ wanted to hurt Vilde. She didn’t really want to hurt Ingrid, though, but she wanted to force Ingrid to… notice her, or something.

She knew it was hopeless, but she still wanted it.

So when Ingrid hugged her with her eyes down and left her (for another drink, or a toilet visit, or something else), Sara felt like her heart broke all over again. She was so fucked.

She went over to William, gave him her most charming smile, and kissed him. Sara had expected fireworks, tingles and desire (well, maybe not expected, but hoped), but in the end she could only describe the kiss as sloppy and wet. She hadn’t known it would be like this. She had no more desire to come back for another kiss than to snog a rat. William’s tongue was something like a muscular eel worming its way into her mouth and when they pulled apart Sara had to fight the urge to wipe his saliva from around her lips.

Kissing strangers really wasn’t her thing. She was starting to come to the conclusion that she could only feel attracted to people she knew really well. Looks and skills didn’t matter much. So far, she had felt a small attraction to Isak, and quite a lot to Ingrid. That was it.

When William finally backed off, and muttered something about having to go, Sara was slightly offended, but also kind of relieved.

She looked around, and noticed three things. Vilde staring at both her and William with hurt in her eyes, Ingrid looking sort of pissed off, and William... William was staring at someone else. He had this restlessness about him and he kept looking at that blond bitch, Noora, who was always so high on herself and for some reason was dressed up like some sort of a librarian with a log in her arms. Weird.

She sat down on the white couch, wondering how long she would have to wait before she could excuse herself and leave. Not long after that, she noticed Eva running out, with tears streaming down her face. _Always so dramatic._ Sara was sure Eva and Jonas would break up, but they probably would get back together, too. To be honest, she didn’t care.

Actually, it was like a badly written ending, like the ones that always annoyed her. Eva and Jonas’ ending, was like a half assed cliffhanger that nobody cared about. Sara was certain that the asshole William would find his happy ending, though. It sure as hell wouldn’t be with Sara. Maybe with Noora, that blonde librarian with the log.

Everyone got their happy ending. Or their open ending. Sara still had this feeling that she was watching everything from the shadows.

 

##  **3\. Isak (March 18th 2016)**

They both knew it was coming. A shy look before Isak pulled her face closer and their lips met. But it was not like in films or stories. No fireworks for them, and no sparks. The kiss was like two strangers meeting, although they knew each other well: very formal and mechanical.

Sara knew they were as good as over. They could hardly say that they were together at all. They were on their way home from a party at William’s flat, and she had barely seen Isak all evening. She had caught sight of him earlier when Eva was all over him. But in the next moment, Eva flew off, making out with Vilde. Sara had noticed that Isak looked spooked. He had his cocky mask on, but she could see that there was something there. It felt familiar, it looked as if he feared that someone had looked right through him and seen his dark secrets. Sara had noticed another thing, too, in that moment. She hadn’t become jealous, at all. In fact, she didn’t _care_. She realized that she liked Isak, but not at all like you should love a boyfriend.

She sighed, as they walked hand in hand towards the tram stop. Isak was a fun guy in many ways, and a kind and attentive boyfriend, but he never really opened up, and… well. Sara didn’t feel like there was anything there between them. Not really. She had gotten back together with Isak again a month ago. It was her initiative to kiss him and offer him a blowjob. She just wanted to be like everybody else. She wanted a boyfriend. And Isak felt familiar, of course, since they had been dating back in 9th grade. Sara liked Isak, too, and she had faked a crush on him forever. She had even posted a sneak photo of him on Insta when they started at Nissen.

Isak and Sara had never been very physical, though, and they never went any further than the attempted blow job that she never got to finish. They kissed a little, but mostly in public.

There just wasn’t much attraction there, and even if it was, she doubted that Isak would do anything with it (not like Jonas, who went down on his girlfriend, well according to the rumors).

She still liked talking with Isak, though. He listened to her. She could text him about anything, and he listened. And it kind of made her sad that she needed to break up with him.

– This doesn’t work anymore, you know, she said. They were still walking hand in hand, and everything was dark and silent around them.

– I guess not, Isak just said. He didn’t seem surprised at all, but he let her hand go and put his hands in his pockets.

– Are things going to be okay? Sara asked. She knew that Isak struggled a bit with things at home. He never said much, but she knew that much. She didn’t want to add to his struggles.

– Yeah. I’m fine, Isak smiled. – Actually, it might be good for me, to focus on myself for a bit.

– Good.

They walked in silence for a moment, and got on the empty tram without saying much. The silence felt alright, though. They sat side by side, like so many times before, and it felt nice. A little melancholy, maybe. Sara looked at Isak, and something in his eyes made her say something she thought she never would tell anyone.

– You know what? she said. – I used to think that I was broken. That I wasn’t attracted to anyone. So I learned about asexuality.

– I’ve heard about that, Isak said, with a curious frown. – Are you asexual?

Sara shook her head. – I thought I was, because I never felt attracted to anyone. But then… Sometimes, when you and I talked, I could feel something. And there is _someone_ , someone I am close to. And now I am starting to feel kinda hot for them. I think… I think I’m demisexual. I don’t get attracted to anyone until I am close to that person.

_Ingrid. I don’t get attracted to anyone but Ingrid._

Sara let out her breath. She had never thought it would feel like such a relief to finally say this out loud.

– Oh, Isak said. – Demi. Is that the reason you’re breaking up with me then?

– Nah. I like you a lot and I guess I could grow to like you if there was something there. But… there isn’t.

– No, I know, Isak sighed. He smiled a little then, a sort of a secret smile, and he almost looked relieved. – So… We’re friends?

– Sure. We’re friends.

Isak smiled wider. – Good.

Sara’s stop was coming up, so she prepared to get off the tram. – I’m gonna miss texting you, you know, she said, – and telling you all my frustrations, nasty thoughts and dark secrets.

– Haha, I know, Isak grinned. – You do have your fair share of dark secrets.

– Fuck, I’ll probably go to Hell for all my bad thoughts – and actions, Sara muttered.

Isak scoffed, and something dark lurked in his eyes. – Fuck it, you don’t go to Hell, Sara. Hell is something you carry around with you, you know.

– Thanks for that, Sara said, huffing out a silent laugh. – You’re my favourite atheist, Isak.

Isak looked like he was lost in his own thoughts for a moment. – Sure. I just can’t understand why people use religion to hurt each other when there’s already so much pain in the world, that’s all.

– Yeah, I know.

Isak looked at her. – You write a lot; you should use your writing for something more… constructive… One of the guys in History always nags me about the russe revue. Wouldn’t that be something for you?

– Hah, I doubt it. But thanks for the tip, Isak.

To write for the revue would be cool, if it wasn’t for the fact that she was busy with the bus and everything surrounding that. It was quite a hassle, actually.

The tram stopped, and Sara said good night to Isak and stepped off the tram, hoping she still could be friends with him. He was probably the one person that had seen the most of who she was (apart from Ingrid). He would always have a special place in her heart.

She started out for home and, as so many times before, her thoughts went to Ingrid. They had been friendly lately, but Ingrid kind of avoided Sara when she was with Isak. It was like she tried to give Sara space. Sara missed her.

Actually, Sara would never admit it out loud, but it did hurt that Ingrid stayed away. She missed Ingrid so much, and a big part of the reason she broke up with Isak was the fact that she wanted Ingrid back, as her best friend. Ingrid as her best friend was maybe not the only thing she wanted, but it was so much better than never seeing her.

As Sara entered her house, she pondered if or how Isak would have his happy ending. She was pretty sure he would. Right now Isak’s story had one of those endings that just fizzled out into nothing. Fuck, those were annoying. Sara hated it when she was enjoying the story, looking for the payoff, and then, not a bam. Not a wow. Just nothing. An ending of underwhelming proportion. No payoff. No climax. No sparks or excitement or fireworks. No final race toward the big moment. No big moment at all. While Eva and Jonas seemed to have had a sort of poetic ending of their relationship, that wasn’t too bad actually, Sara would have read that story, if she had liked the characters at all. And Noora and William… Well, they kept being dramatic like in a badly written romance.

Again, Sara felt like a sidekick to some love stories that she just didn’t get. She shrugged. At least she had her friend, she thought. At least she had Ingrid. She sent her a text:

_Hei, Ingrid, r u still up? I broke up with Isak. Can we talk?_

 

##  **4\. Chris (June 3rd 2016)**

It was almost summer, there was a roof party and Sara was in a soft bed, making out with Chris. In fact, she was straddling him and kissing him deeply and she had decided to go all the way with him. She was fed up waiting for something else that wouldn’t happen anyway.

Sara had realized that she had fallen hard for Ingrid. It was never “just a girl crush”, of course. Sara liked Ingrid, and she liked her a lot more than a friend should, which was a fact she tried hard to hide. She wasn’t very good at it when Ingrid was around, but at any other point she could appear indifferent to the idea of being the person that Ingrid was actually with. She fought those feelings as hard as possible, but she couldn’t help it when she was around Ingrid.

Ingrid was so sweet and so beautiful. She’d hold Sara’s hand, and hug her, and she’d press her lips to Sara’s ear to whisper something to her rather than tease her out loud with a joke, and she always let her voice drop into that seductive sweet tone Sara had begun to hear too much of rather than keeping it humorous.

Ingrid had hips that made Sara stare, and a chest that looked even better. She had eyes like the stars and a smirk that made Sara feel tingling in her belly and she was falling in love with Ingrid. She knew it was bad, she knew she shouldn’t, couldn’t, but she still was. Because even though it shouldn’t be, falling in love with Ingrid was the easiest thing she’d ever done.

There were so many things that made her fall. Ingrid looked at her in that special way and whispered things in her ear, and held her hand when she was scared of a movie. She hugged Sara in long, lingering hugs, stayed up too late talking on the phone, and told her she loved the way Sara looked in the morning when her hair was messy and her eyes groggy. Ingrid told Sara her hopes and dreams, and came to Sara when she cried.

And Sara began to wonder if Ingrid was starting to feel something more than just friendship, too. Especially when Ingrid laid her head in her lap and stared at her until Sara couldn’t ignore it anymore and looked down to meet her gaze. Or when Ingrid leaned forward and hugged her and told her how beautiful she was.

But nothing more happened. They were still just friends. And Sara didn’t know what to do. She didn’t even know what she wanted to do (after all, as a popular russe bus boss she was expected to make out with boys, not girls, it was expected to have boyfriends not girlfriends).

So here she was, kissing Chris. And Chris could kiss. Damn, he was smooth, and he showed off his best moves. But he still didn’t do much for Sara, of course. There was nothing there. She was still determined to do this, though. She was going to kiss Chris, and she was going to fuck him, even if she felt no attraction at all. It was about time.

She wanted to get it over with. She knew that Chris was easy. Plus, she knew that Eva had flirted with him, and Ingrid, too, so it felt right. Like a revenge.

But they got interrupted before it even started.

– Chris, out! William shouted from the door.

Sara turned, and didn’t know if she was disappointed or relieved when she saw William and Noora at the door. Seemed like someone else was about to get lucky.

– Are you serious? Chris groaned from under her.

– Out, now!

So that was it. Sara and Chris stumbled out of bed and out of the room. They were just trying to find another room, when someone held Sara back.

– Sara, what the fuck? Ingrid said, staring at her with angry eyes.

– What? Sara shrugged.

Ingrid took Sara’s hand and pulled her along. – Come on, I need to talk to you.

When Chris protested, Ingrid just brushed him off. – Leave it, Chris. Find Eva or whoever you’re really crushing on at the moment. Fuck off.

Sara didn’t say much, she just followed Ingrid in silence.

They finally ended up in the dark hallway. Sara watched Ingrid nervously. Ingrid still looked annoyed. – Why, Ingrid said. – Why do you keep doing this, Sara? Why do you keep kissing guys you don’t like?

She was so beautiful, even when she was angry.

– You don’t know that I don’t like them! Sara protested.

Ingrid sighed. – Yeah, I do. You might have liked Isak a little, but you don’t like Chris. You kiss him because he’s popular, and a fuckboy, and probably because he has kissed Iben, Eva _and_ me.

It was horrible how well Ingrid knew her.

– Well, why do you care? Sara muttered. – It’s not like it matters to you?

– You’re my friend, Sara! And I don’t know what’s going on with you. But you can’t keep pulling shit like this. I can’t do this anymore.

Ingrid still looked angry, but her eyes filled with tears once they connected with Sara’s.

Sara broke, and instead of explaining herself she just pulled Ingrid into her arms and whispered, – I’m so sorry, Ingrid, don’t cry!

That was when Sara decided she never wanted to be the reason that Ingrid cried ever again. Of course, she knew that she most likely would, just like Ingrid most likely would hurt her. But she would do everything she could to avoid it.

Ingrid felt so good in her arms. Sara stroked her back gently. _God_ , she loved Ingrid, both as a friend, and as… so much more. There was no chance Ingrid felt the same though. They would remain friends, and that was it. She would have to learn how to live with that.

She wanted to tell Ingrid then, about the fact that she didn’t easily get attracted to people, but that when she did, it could be to both boys and girls. She just didn’t know how to say it, without having to answer questions she wasn’t prepared to answer. So she said nothing.

They stayed together that night. They watched too many episodes of a silly TV show in Ingrid’s bed and they eventually fell asleep with their limbs tangled together. It was the easiest sleep that Sara’s ever had, and when she woke up, she pretended to sleep even longer just so Ingrid would continue holding her. When they both finally acknowledged each other’s consciousness they still didn’t move, just stayed in bed, and Sara even hummed when Ingrid’s fingers tangled through her hair and whispered, – Good morning, beauty.

Ingrid smiled to her, and Sara loved the way her eyes looked when she smiled like that. She could light up the whole world with just those eyes. And it was the closest Sara had ever been to a happy ending. And she clung to it, although she knew they would be just friends again in no time.

Chris would probably find a happy ending, one way or another. If nothing else, he would definitely get someone’s lips on his dick. And William and Noora had their happy ending, of course, the fuckers. Now, Sara didn’t know Noora well, so she didn’t know for sure. But it felt like a ending where the writer resolved the character’s intense problems and trauma with something like a small conversation. Where the fuck was the resolve?

Sara stared at the ceiling and decided to write an angry story about failed love and revenge, hoping that it would make her feel a little better.  

 

##  **5\. Sana (June 24th 2017)**

When Sana kissed Sara’s cheek, it had been a year since someone kissed her. A whole year. Sana Bakkoush smiled, and hugged Sara, and gave her the peck on her cheek, and Sara couldn’t believe it. Sana, who always had hated her, and fought her, had invited her and Ingrid to this Eid party. It was surreal.

Sara looked at all the happy faces around her and couldn’t forget that strange autumn, when she was so annoyed that she was attracted to someone that she couldn’t have, and so pissed off at Chris and Eva and everyone else who was making out around them, that she missed that Isak went and found a boyfriend (like, what the fuck?). It was almost like everyone she kissed, ended up with someone else in some epic love story afterwards. Eva ended up with Jonas, William with Noora, and Isak with Even. Chris ended up with Eva, too. It was infuriating.

But then again, Sara wondered if she was possibly on her way to getting what the fuss was all about. Her thoughts and feelings for Ingrid were taking over her life.

Ingrid and Sara never talked about how they had slept tangled together that night last June. But their touches got more intimate after that. Sara started to expect Ingrid holding her hand and hugging her. She had grown used to these things, fallen into a system that brought her happiness, whether it wasn’t exactly what she wanted or not.

She had told herself that their relationship was just that of two really, really close friends. She pretended that her heart didn’t skip a beat when Ingrid smiled at her or hugged her or looked her in the eyes. She pretended she wasn’t completely head over heels in love with her best friend. If she kept pretending, maybe one day she could even convince herself it was true.

However, she had been about to accept who she was. The thought of liking both boys and girls and not being like everybody else didn’t scare her so much anymore. She wasn’t ready to come out to the world, but she was on her way to figuring some stuff out.

The drama with the russe bus had led her astray for a while, of course. Earlier that spring she had started a war with Sana Bakkoush. Sana and her weird little gang represented everything Sara hated. They were outsiders who always fucked things up for Ingrid or her. Vilde tried to take Sara’s place as a leader in the bus group, Chris supported her, Eva hurt Ingrid, Noora took William, and Sana fought them on everything. Sara couldn’t let them take the bus from her. She had feared that they could, though, and her fear made her do stupid things.

It was smart to act friendly and accept the five girls in the bus, but it was oh so stupid to play dirty and throw Sana out as leader. Sara quickly learned that she had messed with the wrong girl, when the fake Insta account popped up. Several of her dark thoughts were just… suddenly out there, in the Facebook messages she had sent to Isak. Suddenly everyone knew her nasty thoughts about others. She couldn’t believe that Isak would ever spread those messages, but how could anyone else have found them?

But the worst part was the message about Ingrid. Because of that message, where she had described Ingrid as clingy, their friendship was in jeopardy. Sara knew she had hurt Ingrid more than ever, and she knew she could lose her. Ingrid had dropped Eva before, so why wouldn’t she drop Sara now, too?

The shame and the fear of losing Ingrid made it difficult to breathe. Sara had to go away and hide at her cabin, knowing that everybody hated her. She was sure that Ingrid hated her, too. And she cried, and cried, and cried, and knew that the bus meant nothing if she lost Ingrid. Nothing meant anything if she lost Ingrid. But then Ingrid came to visit her, and she was worried. Worried and angry.

– You know you acted like an asshole! Ingrid had said. – You always say that we must keep the bus together, and not fuck over our friends. Didn’t you mean that?

She had been so beautiful in her anger. Fierce like a warrior princess. Her face had been hard and closed. And Sara had been speechless. Still, she had to try.

– I’m sorry, Ingrid… I just… I didn’t think! she sighed.

– Obviously, Ingrid muttered. – Sure, I know that we all write stupid shit in chats and everywhere. But you treated me and everyone like dirt, Sara! Do you think that you’re so much better than us?

– No, of course not, Sara had said. Because, of course, she didn’t. If she felt that if anyone was dirt, it was herself. Ingrid knew that, she knew how Sara hid her insecurities.

Sara tried to explain how she just felt so lost sometimes, and how her frustrations made her lash out in those messages.

Ingrid’s face was still closed off, and Sara started to lose hope.

– Please, Ingrid, I’m sorry! Sara said. – I didn’t mean it.

– Sometimes I just don’t get you, Sara, Ingrid said then. She looked intensely into Sara’s eyes. – What do you want?

_I want you with me, Ingrid._

– I just… I want us to be friends again.

Ingrid nodded. – That’s it? Nothing more?

Sara didn’t know what to say. How could she ever admit the feelings Ingrid filled her with? Ingrid would reject her. How could Sara open herself to be hurt like that?

– Nothing more, Sara muttered.

Ingrid nodded then, and looked away. She looked lost, and angry, and trapped, as if she wanted to get away. And Sara knew she had lost it all. The desperation took her breath from her. She had fucked up. Ingrid would just walk away, and even if they probably would be friends again, they wouldn’t be friends like before. Sara couldn’t hold her tears back. She had lost everything already, so she had nothing more to lose.

– Ingrid, please!

Ingrid stared at her with dark eyes. – What, Sara? What?

Sara took a deep breath then, and gathered all the bravery she could muster. – I’m nobody without you, Ingrid. Please don’t leave me.

Then a miracle happened.

Ingrid tilted her head as she looked at her. – You can’t just rely on someone else to be somebody, Sara. Hell, you taught me that.

Sara huffed a surprised laugh, still with her tears running down her cheeks. Ingrid joked with her! That had to mean _something_ , right?

– Okay, I can be somebody without you, Sara said in a mix between a sob and a laugh. – But I’ll probably be a fuckup.

– Probably, Ingrid smirked.

And that was the miracle, right there. Ingrid forgave her.

They had hugged, and Sara clung to Ingrid as if she was her lifeline. She knew she didn’t deserve to be forgiven. She had acted like a vindictive idiot. She didn’t deserve anything at all, really.  

– You have to stop treating me like this, though, Ingrid had said. – You have to stop treating me like I’m not important to you at all.

– I will, Sara said.

Still, it wasn’t over. She focused all her guilt and anger on lashing out at the one she thought was guilty of the fake Insta: Vilde. When she turned out to be wrong, and Sana was the one doing all the shit, Sara didn’t know what to do.

It was like she had lost everything for a moment, even herself. She had always thought of herself as one of the good guys. Was that the reason she never had her happy ending? Was she the villain?

Ingrid had hugged her and tried to tell her that she wasn’t, but Sara didn’t know what to believe anymore. She just soaked up whatever Ingrid was willing to give her and tried to be content with that. She might have to live with the realization of being an asshole, and she might be forced to pine for her best friend for the rest of her life, but so be it. She focused all her energy into the russe bus, even though she didn’t really care that much about it anymore. When Sana’s squad showed up and kind of saved Sana with their Los Losers van, she almost wished she could be a part of that. It seemed so much simpler.

Of course she couldn’t be a part of that. They were like in two different worlds.  

So when Sana invited her and Ingrid to her Eid party, Sara couldn’t believe it. Was it another trick? A trap?

Isak had convinced her that it was to make peace, though. And Ingrid said she would be there with her. They would be there together.

The way Ingrid said it had made Sara’s heart beat faster. And Sara realized that she couldn’t have said no even if she wanted to.

It turned out to be surprisingly nice.

The food was amazing, the weather was nice, and everyone was smiling and laughing. Sara talked to a lot of people, new and old, and she was able to forget her worries for a moment. In fact, she had a great time. And all the time, Ingrid was there, right next to her. She was beautiful and cool in her white dress thing and leather jacket. And her hair was soft and wavy and Sara wanted to touch it so much. And Ingrid smiled and hugged her, and whispered with her raspy voice in Sara’s ear, and Sara started to wonder again. Could there be a hope for them, after all? Or was it just her vivid imagination that made it up?

Sana gave Sara a kiss on her cheek, and she grinned and asked about truce.

– Peace, Sara said then, as she leaned into Ingrid, who was next to her. – Let’s make peace instead.

She meant it, too.

Sana smiled then, and her smile was so beautiful.

– I’m so sorry I acted like I did, Sara said. – Sometimes I do some stupid shit, when I get caught up in the game. Sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a mask, and I just can’t take it off.

– We all wear masks at times, Sana countered. – That’s what makes us all interesting.

Sara didn’t know what she thought about that. But Sana’s words made her curious. What if what she hid behind her mask, wasn’t so bad after all?

– By the way, you’re talking to a master at wearing masks, right here, Sana added, and Sara had to smile. Sana suddenly reminded her of Isak.

Sara looked around, at all the well-known faces, at Ingrid, Sana, Chris, Isak, William, Eva and all the others, and suddenly she was amazed at how all their lives were tangled together. And Isak looked so ridiculously happy with his boyfriend Even, and Eva was flirting with Jonas again, and the others looked quite happy, too. Sara liked it.

She met Ingrid’s eyes and smiled. Ingrid put her arm around her waist and smiled, too. – Are you good? she whispered, in a warm breath to her ear. Her fingers brushed the inside of Sara’s bare arm.

Sara nodded, and blushed, because she wasn’t prepared for the tingling feeling that spread inside her.

Sana looked at them both with a small smile and then she nodded to them both and moved on to some other guests. She really looked like she had her good ending, and for once, the thought of someone else having a happy ending, didn’t bother Sara at all. She leaned into Ingrid and felt strangely at home.

That night, Sara followed Ingrid home. And as they entered Ingrid’s house, Sara thought: What if she could have a good ending, even if she didn’t deserve it?

Ingrid asked her to stay the night, and Sara didn’t have the willpower to say no.

Ingrid gave her a warm hug when she said yes. – That’s good. I missed you, she whispered into Sara’s neck and all Sara could do was hope that Ingrid didn’t hear how fast her heart started beating. Ingrid was probably aware by now that Sara obviously had feelings for her, but Sara promised herself that she would be careful. Friendly. She wouldn’t hope too much.

Sara wrapped her arms around Ingrid and relaxed into her. – Me too, she admitted quietly, not wanting anyone but Ingrid to hear her. Ingrid leaned into her and smiled at her. She placed a quick kiss on Sara’s cheek, catching Sara off guard, and smiled happily as she danced away to help her with her bag.

Sara only watched her, shuffling fingers through her hair as she tried to compose herself before Ingrid noticed how red her cheeks were. She was already not doing very well with keeping these feelings on lockdown, Ingrid was definitely going to notice if she kept this up. But Sara couldn’t help it, Ingrid was… Ingrid. Perfect, beautiful Ingrid.

They walked into Ingrid’s room. Ingrid’s silence was unusual. Usually she talked Sara’s ears off, things about her day, and her dreams about holidays in the sun, and all the things she wanted to paint but hadn’t gotten to doing so yet. Sara didn’t mind, she liked listening to Ingrid talk, but something felt off about this silence. It felt like Ingrid was waiting for something.

They got ready for bed, putting on their nightshirts and brushing teeth. When they hugged to say goodnight, Ingrid’s fingers slipped under Sara’s shirt to touch the skin around her waist. Sara felt a slight shiver running down her spine, burning where Ingrid’s fingers remained, heart picking up speed rapidly no matter how much she silently cursed it not to.

– Night night, Sara muttered out quietly.

– Good night, Ingrid said, voice soft and delicate. Her cheek was soft and her arms warm around her.

– Uhm… Am I going to sleep here? Sara asked, turning towards the bed. She always used to, but had something changed?

– So, you’re determined to get me into bed, huh?

Ingrid raised one eyebrow suggestively, eyes shining as a smile shot across Sara’s lips. The question was curious, light, but laced with something else, something that made Sara’s heart race. Her body twisted so fast to face Ingrid that she was momentarily dizzy and grabbed the bar at the end of the bed to steady herself.

– What? No… Sara stuttered, shuffling fingers through her hair as she often did when she was nervous. Ingrid only watched, fondness and amusement entering her gaze and lighting up her eyes. – I, I don’t… I’m not… Sara stopped talking once she saw the way Ingrid was smirking at her.

Sara narrowed her eyes at her.

– You can, by the way, Ingrid said as she stood in front of her. Sara gulps but didn’t stray her eyes away from the beautiful eyes in front of her. – Get me into bed, I mean.

Ingrid’s fingers had moved to shuffle through the strands of Sara’s locks, breaking eye contact to watch the way the waves move through her fingers. The sight made Sara stop breathing a moment, distracted by the way Ingrid seemed to be mesmerized by her.

Ingrid was making it really difficult to pretend.

And then it happened. For a long second Ingrid just stared at her, stared at her lips as they turned up lightly, and then she leaned in.

 

##  **6\. Ingrid (June 24th 2017)**

Ingrid leaned forward and she was kissing her and Sara didn’t see it coming at all.

She had been too busy thinking about spending the night with Ingrid in her bed, falling asleep with Ingrid right next to her. She hadn’t been paying attention to the way Ingrid was suddenly looking at her, and when Ingrid leaned in and captured Sara’s lips between her own, Sara felt every nerve ending melt and spark at the same time. And she kissed back because she was helpless to the feelings that Ingrid caused in her.

She hated feelings sometimes; she hated the way her heart took over all her thoughts. She hated how helpless she was to fight them, especially when Ingrid kissed her.

She loved it, too.

Kissing Ingrid was everything and anything all at the same time. Sara’s head was so clouded by her heart that she hadn’t realized how aggressively she had kissed Ingrid back, hadn’t heard the groans of pleasure Ingrid released when Sara bit her bottom lip, hadn’t thought about how Sara pushed her tongue into Ingrid’s warm mouth, shoved her body against the wall. They kissed, and kissed and kissed, and Sara wanted it to last forever.

Ingrid leaned back for a moment, either to breathe or just to look at Sara. The blush on Ingrid’s cheeks made Sara smile and she reached up with her fingers and brushed them along Ingrid’s cheekbone, reveling in the way Ingrid leaned into her touch.

Ingrid hugged her then. – I love you, Sara.

– You sound like you’re saying goodbye or something, Sara teased, pushing Ingrid slightly so she could keep pretending Ingrid didn’t mean it like _that_.

Ingrid laughed, lightly, barely, but still laughed. – Still, I love you.

Ingrid’s fingers reached out and touched Sara’s cheek, and she felt like that touch was everywhere, gripping her heart and pulling it into her throat. Ingrid’s never said it twice in a row, just like that, and Sara needed to leave for the bathroom before she couldn’t pretend anymore that Ingrid didn’t mean it like that.

_She didn’t, you’re her best friend, just her friend._

Sara’s heart beat fast in her chest. The worst part wasn’t even that she deep down knew Ingrid meant it in a way that Sara denied. The worst part was that Sara felt the same way. Sara didn’t say it back, because that would make things all too real.

– I need to… Sara muttered, and went to the bathroom ignoring the fact that her vision had blurred with the tears of Ingrid’s two “I love you’s”.

She washed her face, hoping it would calm her down. She knew she was in love with Ingrid. Kissing Ingrid and getting intimate with her was what she wanted more than anything. She also feared it. She feared that she would end up losing Ingrid.

Could it still be worth it? Could it be worth it to feel it and to live a little, even if she ended up losing everything?

That was the question that spurred her into action. She left the bathroom and entered Ingrid’s room again. Standing in the doorway, her heart was beating fast in her chest, and her hands were clammy.

Ingrid was already in bed. – Are you okay? she asked, looking closely at Sara.

Sara took a deep breath and got into the bed, too, hiding her nerves as she focused on the shuffling of the duvet as she lifted it, rather than on Ingrid’s bare legs, crossed at the ankles above the duvet. She focused on her own hands, instead of the heat of Ingrid’s body and the sound of her breathing and the fact that all she was wearing was a top that clung to every inch of her chest. – Sure, yeah… I just… this is kind of new to me, I guess.

Ingrid shifted beside her, lifting the duvet and slipping under it. She scooted just a little too close to Sara. – I was too fast, wasn’t I, she said. – I know I was. I just… I like you a lot, Sara, and… I’ve felt like we’ve been okay lately, and… I just had to take a chance. But I get it if you think that we should just be friends, or… we can just talk and chill, you know. No worries.

Sara knew she couldn’t just leave it like that. – Ingrid. I... We probably _should_ talk.

Ingrid looked a little worried. – Yeah?

Sara sighed. – First I guess I should tell you that… I’m demisexual.

Ingrid’s worried look was exchanged with curiosity. – Okay… What's that?

– I’m only attracted to people that I really know and like.

– Okay?

– And I really like you.

– Oh.

Ingrid’s eyes were shining, and when she opened her arms, Sara dove into her warm hug. Sara breathed in the familiar smell of her. – Ingrid, can I ask you something?

– Of course you can baby, Ingrid brushed her nose along Sara’s throat.

Sara held back a shiver. – Do you like girls, Ingrid? she surprised herself. She just went for it. She was planning on easing into it, but perhaps there was no other way to really dive into this kind of conversation, and the body against her that stiffened slightly told her this as well.

– Isn’t that kind of obvious? Ingrid asked then. One of her hands slipped under Sara’s nightshirt, stroking her hip and making Sara tremble so that it took her a moment to recover and remember where she was going with this conversation. – I did sort of attack you with my lips and body, just a moment ago. _Yeah_ , I like girls. And I like you.

– Really? Sara huffed. – How? I don’t even like me much. I do so many shitty things all the time.

Ingrid smiled. – You’re amazing, Sara. Everybody does stupid shit. The question is, whether you learn from it, or if you just continue to do what you always have done.

– Yeah, Sara said, and swallowed. – I guess I am ready to make some changes. I’m not turning into something else, but... I wanna do some new things.

– Yeah?

– Actually, I am thinking about letting someone else take over as russe bus boss.

Ingrid stared at her. – Wow, really? But why? I thought you loved being boss?

– Yeah, but not really that much anymore. I think I wanna join the russe _revue_ instead. I have always wanted to write stuff for theatre and shit. I think that writing for the show will be so much more interesting.

Ingrid grinned then. – That’s brilliant, Sara! she said and threw her arms around Sara, pulling her closer again. – Your sarcasm will work perfectly.

Sara hugged her back, but she also let herself stare at Ingrid’s lips for far too long. Without thinking, she leaned forward and kissed Ingrid again. The kiss was soft at first, but quickly developed into something desperate and hot. It’s as if their lips were molded to match one another.

When Sara parted lips with Ingrid, eyes dilated and hungry, Sara knew she couldn’t let this slip away from her again. She wanted to kiss Ingrid over and over and over until she couldn’t breathe anymore.

– Sara, Ingrid whispered voice low and raspy as she examined Sara’s face. This, time, when they kissed, they did it slower.

Sara felt a tremble to her body as Ingrid brushed her fingers along Sara’s stomach, under her shirt. She tangled one naked leg over Sara’s and Sara shivered as Ingrid brushed her nose along her throat. Sara’s breath caught when she felt Ingrid’s chest push into her side. Her arms maneuvered around Ingrid automatically, pulling her completely against her. All Sara could see and feel, was Ingrid.

She felt the heat blooming between her legs, it encouraged her and she quickly tore off her nightshirt. Ingrid’s eyes were almost black as they followed Sara’s movements. Then Ingrid got rid of her shirt, too.

Sara stared at Ingrid’s perky breasts, feeling in awe because she was permitted to watch, and touch. Ingrid’s touch slid along Sara’s belly, as she trailed kisses across her neck. Sara tried to regain some control of herself. Failing, she still had to release a moan.

She wasn’t expecting the sudden sound to leave her throat, and Ingrid smiled into the skin of Sara’s neck. Her palms squeezed around Sara’s backside and Sara’s ear was suddenly covered by Ingrid’s lips once again. Ingrid was obviously encouraged by the sound and she pressed impossibly closer to Sara, both of them trembling.

Ingrid’s fingers stroked Sara’s stomach, moved up and down in a pattern that made Sara continue to tremble against her, unable to control her reaction. Ingrid dropped her tone low and sultry. – I want you, she whispered, stroking the soft skin on Sara’s stomach and nipping at her earlobe.

– Ingrid, Sara’s voice was tight. Too much emotion was lacing her tone for her liking. Ingrid only smiled against her skin, Sara could feel the way her lips curved up against her neck. It brought about another shudder she was incapable of stopping.

– I love it when you say my name like that, Ingrid kissed her way up Sara’s neck before pressing her lips fully against Sara’s right ear. Her voice drops to that low register that drove Sara absolutely wild. – It makes me wet. Sara groaned as quietly as possible, biting her lip to stifle the noise. The thought of Ingrid wet made her shiver.

She released a small breath and her trembling grew worse with a tightening grip on Ingrid’s back. Ingrid threw one leg over her waist to straddle her. Sara didn’t protest, just tightened her grip. Sara didn’t know what to do. Her body ached and her mind was fogged with Ingrid. She was too turned on to think clearly.

Ingrid moved her kisses to the other side of her neck, nipping delicate skin and sucking lightly on Sara’s pulse point. Sara squirmed below Ingrid, squeaking again as the nails of Ingrid’s hand scratched lightly down her stomach. Sara liked this, she liked this far too much.

She shivered as Ingrid’s tongue swirled around her pulse point before she bit the spot with her teeth and then soothed it again. – Ingrid, she moaned as her fingers rubbed Ingrid’s hipbone, a small delicate pattern.

Sara’s eyes shut as she felt Ingrid’s lips and tongue wrap around the ball of her collarbone. All of her touches felt way too good. Ingrid would barely have to touch her and she’d come soon, she was already ridiculously close and Ingrid hadn’t even done very much. Ingrid just had this effect on her, this scary effect over her body that Sara didn’t think was very fair.

Sara shivered because of how close Ingrid’s fingers were to the area she wanted her most. The tips were already under the waistband of her underwear, hovering over her small patch of curls. Sara let her own hands roam over Ingrid’s arms and shoulders in anticipation.

Ingrid’s eyes were dilated and so hungry. The look dried Sara’s throat. Ingrid’s cheeks were tinted pink, and when her tongue darted out of her mouth to wet her lips, Sara felt the strong urge to reach up and capture them. She kissed Ingrid deeply. Ingrid’s fingers pushed farther under the waistband of Sara’s underwear after a minute, and they ran through Sara’s wet folds making her shudder and groan all at the same time, shivering and struggling to maintain her composure. Ingrid moved to the side a little, and Sara’s legs involuntary fell open. Ingrid knelt over her with one knee between her legs.

– You’re so wet, Ingrid breathed out, her voice dropping lower than Sara had ever heard it before. – This doesn’t feel like you want to stop.

Ingrid teased lightly, lips pushing along Sara’s jawline as her fingers slid down, shifting over her opening, gathering even more wetness before moving up and circling her clit, which had Sara bucking her hips and moaning with her head pushed back.

– Of course I don’t wanna stop, she breathed.

Sara could feel every touch like it was all over her entire body. She had no control, Ingrid had it all, fuck Ingrid’s always had it all. – Ingrid, she muttered, giving herself over to the feeling of Ingrid’s fingers, rubbing lazy slow circle around her clit that was throbbing in a way she was sure it never has before. The pleasure felt unbearable shooting through her, spiking different nerves as she fought the sounds that rose in her throat.

Sara moaned as Ingrid left her clit to swirl the tips of her fingers around the edges of her entrance, earning her another buck and a breathless gasp from Sara.

Ingrid had positioned her center on Sara’s thigh, and Sara’s squirming caused her to place friction in the right spot. Sara could feel how wet Ingrid was, soaking through her own underwear onto Sara’s thigh and it only served to worsen Sara’s own condition, with the tips of fingers swirling around her entrance, building Sara up to an orgasm that was going to come far too fast than she’s ever had happen for her before.

– I’m not the only one who’s wet, Sara managed to get out, voice cracking through her dry throat. Ingrid sat up slightly, tips of her fingers swirling back up to the bundle of nerves that made Sara rock her hips forward, brushing her thigh against Ingrid’s clit through her underwear. Ingrid tossed her head back, a moan too loud for the small room releasing from her lips as she ground down, sliding her heat along Sara’s thigh.

Sara was sure this is the hottest thing she’s ever seen in her life; Ingrid grinding her center on her. Ingrid rocked her hips harder against Sara’s thigh, releasing another loud moan.

Ingrid swirled Sara’s clit one more time before wasting no more and plunging one finger inside of her. Sara arched her back immediately, meeting the intrusion as a shocking wave of pleasure washed through her. Desire felt like fire, and she rocked her hips again, thigh rubbing into Ingrid just right as she moved another finger inside of Sara.

Sara couldn’t focus on anything else anymore. All that was between them was heat and want. Sara, who usually thought with her head and most certainly not her heart, had never felt more alive and more in need than in this moment. She could only focus on the pleasure as two fingers moved inside of her; rubbing against her walls as she clamped down on them like her life depended on it. The swirl of Ingrid’s thumb around her clit made everything worse, and all it took for Sara to see stars was one small push against her clit and curl of the fingers inside of her.

Sara was coming so hard she couldn’t even remember all the reasons she hadn’t done this before. She gasped and moaned and tried to muffle her sounds with the pillow to her right, but it felt hopeless as the orgasm washed over her and Ingrid continued to move her fingers inside of her. The wave of the pleasure running down her spine, clouding her thoughts, was too fucking good to deny.

Sara clung to Ingrid and breathed heavily, as she came down from her very first orgasm with someone else. It was an amazing feeling. However, Ingrid looked so lost in want, that Sara couldn’t do anything but let her hand search for Ingrid’s sex. She let her long fingers begin to explore Ingrid’s folds. Ingrid was wet. Very wet. Sara was nervous. She had no experience in pleasuring someone. Sure, she knew how to pleasure herself. But Ingrid? This was all new territory for Sara and all she wanted to do was hear Ingrid moan in pleasure beneath her.

Luckily, Sara was a quick study and soon enough began pressing light soft circles on Ingrid’s enlarged clit. Ingrid’s breathing became erratic as her hips buck up for more contact.

Sara felt like she was going to explode again just from touching Ingrid. But this wasn’t about her, this was about Ingrid. Sara swallowed and pushed her fingers at Ingrid’s entrance. Ingrid’s nails sank into her back as Sara fingered her. Ingrid moaned beneath her begging for more. Sara could feel that Ingrid was close. Ingrid’s walls were tightening around her fingers as Sara continued movements and put pressure on the girl's clit with her thumb. That was when Ingrid lost it. Ingrid arched her back, body shaking as she came down from her high.

Both girls were sweaty and spent. Sara pressed sweet kisses to Ingrid’s breasts, as the girl lazily hummed in approval. For a few minutes, the two girls lay there. Sara was in awe. Closely intertwined, Ingrid nuzzled her head into the crook of Sara’s neck lazily licking at her salty skin. Sara traced circles across the expanse of Ingrid’s creamy lower back with one hand while the other lovingly massaged the Ingrid’s scalp. Sara was content. Safe.

– So we’re doing this? she asked. – Trying to be together?

– Yes we are, Ingrid answered.

Sara’s heart was pounding in her chest, aching with her feelings as she tries to scoot closer to the girl that lay beside her, shuffling her fingers through Ingrid’s hair and kissing her more attentively. – Are you sure? I am kinda selfish, bossy, and easily bored. Will this be a problem?

– I know you, Sara, Ingrid said then, smiling. – I have known you for a long time. What do you think?

Sara laughed, knowing that it wouldn’t be a problem at all. – God, I love you so much, Ingrid, she whispered, her nose brushing Ingrid’s again.

– I love you too, silly, Ingrid smiled.

Sara released a soft sigh. She could actually believe it now. Sara felt Ingrid’s feelings with every movement she made. She could feel it in her gentle kisses on Sara’s skin. She could feel it in the way Ingrid’s fingers caressed her body, sliding along her skin, touching her in ways that made her feel on fire. She could feel it in the way Ingrid kissed her. She could feel it in Ingrid’s long fingers that slid inside of her and pressed and pressed until they found that spot that made every muscle inside of her ache with the pleasure of it. She could feel it in the way Ingrid curled her fingers against that place just inside of her that made her wind tighter and tighter until all it took was a little more of a push and Sara was coming, moaning and clenching tightly around the fingers inside of her and shaking against the girl on top of her.

Ingrid and Sara were tangled together on the bed, and Sara smiled. A smile wider than she ever had before. _Finally_. Sara had her own ending. She wasn’t a sidekick anymore. Everything wasn’t just happening to everyone else. It was happening to her, or she made it happen. She knew her own voice, her mind, and her story, and she knew how to use it. And she finally had her own ending. It was good. But the cool part was, it wasn’t really over at all.

It was just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How cool that you read this! :D I hope you liked it. Please leave me a comment if you like it or not! :) By the way, you can find me on Tumblr as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crazyheartfics) and on Insta as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.instagram.com/crazyheartfics), too.


	2. Art (WIP)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised to paint something! But I kinda forgot to finish it. Well here is the unfinished work. I hope that posting it helps me get motivated to finally finishing it!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Please leave me a comment if you like it or not! :) By the way, you can find me on Tumblr as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/crazyheartfics) and on Insta as [@crazyheartfics](https://www.instagram.com/crazyheartfics), too.


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